Doggie Language

I thought I would share this..

Especially to all dog owners out there. :)

 Credits to: Lili Chin and ettoday

Ileana's Birthday 2015 - Part II

This is my birthday dinner with my best friends.. or rather sisters from different parents. haha.

After such a long time, we finally get to meet up.. and I always feel.. the short hours we spend together are never enough.. there is so much to talk about.. to catch up with.. 

Hopefully we can meet up next month for christmas. :>

The cake and gift they got me. hehe.

So thankful. :> 

My favourite teapot soup and ern's dessert.

So, here's the full photo of the things I got for my birthday. The pandora charms and card from my dearest sister and brother in law. 

The 2 Moomins I got myself for my birthday, and the phone case from my best friends.

I have my own "moomin" family and these are twins :p. 

I took the opportunity to take photo of these items.

Some of the items my mum couldn't live without. Medicated oil.. her favourite cellphone cause its easier to use compared to smartphones. and the ipod we got her for present.

The headphones on the left was hers. She couldn't bear to use new stuffs and tend to keep them for god knows how many years..

My belated birthday cake from catandthefiddle. 

awesome! 

 Late night movie with bae. I was so freaking happy I jumped for joy after I snapped this.

Bae was like 'WTH is wrong with her?' LOL.

Really love this photo. You hardly get to see the mischievous side of me.

And last but not least.. no, this is not my car.. would love to have this nevertheless.. but the colour (at least fingers crossed close to) dad's car gonna turn out to be.

Am thinking of learning driving. I know I have been talking about this for months.. I'll be getting the books to start learning first and pass my theory tests first. Anyone wants to learn driving together, pretty pleaseeee?

Happy Birthday to myself - part I

It's my birthday.. but things are kinda different.

I am not looking forward to celebrating my birthday, neither do I feel happy about it.

少了妈妈问我：今年的生日你想要什么。少了妈妈祝我生日快乐。

Life will never be the same and I don't know how long more before I can accept reality, but one thing is definite.. I will always remember her. Every bits and pieces in life.

To be honest, I have wondered about marriage after her departure.. I never thought one day I would have to face this.. cause I have always painted the picture where she'll be there when I do.. but no, not anymore.. 

It is not easy getting over her departure.

I can accept the fact that one has to go some day, when time comes. I have always felt that when one reaches old age, there is no way you can avoid death. But, my mum hasn't reach old age yet. she almost retired.. but failed to enjoy a single day of her retirement. 

she has slogged all her life. 

There are so many bits and pieces of thoughts and feelings I will not blog about here cause I don't think its alright to share on a public space.. but I rather I do not exist, if I have to.. I wished my mum had a better life. She deserve better.

I haven't had enough of her, time's too short. 

Why did it happen when I wanted to bring my mum on a vacation.. the many things I wanted to do with her.. life without her is never the same anymore.

I gotta learn how to be independent, how to stay strong..

I am thankful that I still have my sister and she remembers my birthday.

I will update more on my birthday soon :> That's all for now.

【我的少女時代 Our Times】

好想看。 

  < 小幸運 A Little Happiness >

亲爱的妈妈 ♥

I've been trying.. but the path down the future seems so bleak and hard to grasp..

我很努力的不要去想。但是我办不到。

处处都是她的影子。她为我做的一切。她说过的一切。

She previously told me few times, if there's a day that comes where shes no longer here, she does not know what to do, because 她放不下我和爸爸。她担心我们不能照顾好自己。

她担心爸爸不会理我。

妈，我真的很想你。。

我每次念着想吃什么，你都会辛辛苦苦的自己跑到supermarket.. 大包大袋的扛回家。

辛苦你了。

现在的我，开始学煮了。It may not even be 1/3 like yours.. but 至少还能吃。

当女儿准备嫁人的时候，通常母亲都会准备嫁妆。

我想我不会拥有着些了。

不是想拥有什么金银首饰，对我来说没什么用。

All I want is something I could wear or keep, a gift from her.. as her blessings to me.

Something I could remember, her love for me.

妈妈对不起。

这么多年，我让你担心了。

你离开了以后，其实我一直装着坚强。

我失去了安全感。

没了母爱。。一切来得太突然，让我措手不及。

我没办法忘记你在医院里的点点滴滴，尤其是最后那几天。

你说承受的，已经超乎了我所能承受的。

Recently, my doctor seems to have suspected something's wrong with me..?

He asked if I needed to see a psychiatrist.. and recommends me to go.. 

I have not spoken to dad about this. I don't intend to.

黄晓明和Angelababy杨颖 ♥

我曾经相信也许会有童话故事，但长大后渐渐的不这么觉得了。
Their wedding is like a dream come true.. 美呆了。里面装满了他们小两口的爱。

看了黄晓明和Angelababy 杨颖的世纪婚礼，真的很想知道他们的爱情故事。

他们很少吵架，因为黄晓明的原则是‘她说了算’。

我想，很少有男人能真的做到黄晓明做的吧。

他是很多女人的白马王子，很庆幸baby嫁对了。

Their wedding vows：

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=855412984555542

5 tips on how they hardly quarrel for more than 5 years..

http://www.rojaklah.com/2015/10/05/ahloveyy051015/

credits of photos and videos to its original owners. 
I do not own these photos or videos.

its tough acting like nothing happened and everything's fine. I'm missing her so much.. 每天少了她的影子。

Not sure what's wrong with me.. 身体状况不是很好。不知道是不是真的忧郁了。身体没力气，晕晕的。

that pain in the heart

I'm trying.. but its hard to let go.. to put it behind me..

妈妈我好想你。真的好想你。

你的一切。

Spending my last few days of the long weekend with bae.. before he book in for his bmt. :< 

^ enjoying my milk bath :D 

我不知道该怎么放下。

有时候，开始觉得，我们不适合。或者说，this is not what I want.

有一点，我不能接受.. being yelled at.. 那是一个很奇怪的感觉，我无法解释。 most of the times i feel.. why was I being yelled at.. I was just asking nicely.. 

I know its not reasonable to ask for 'princess' treatment.. but all I ask for is at least be treated nicely.. 当无缘无故被大声喊的时候，我总会问自己，付出的一切，值得吗？那种心痛，受伤的感觉， I don't want to feel it anymore..  when there's a once or twice, its bound to happen .. again and again.. 

I can't feel if my effort paid out.. doesn't seem so.. 因为我不爱说出口，most of the times.. I get wronged or misunderstood.. 

How should I put it.. its like.. I don't feel respected at all.. 我到底算什么。

还是，我只看到了自己？

Video

I thought I so had to share this video.. because its just so similar to Patoot.. the characteristics my moomins have that is..

:o looks goooood omgggg.. OwO

Its gonna be 4pm soon but my new sealy bed i bought from Harvey Norman is not here yet.

It's really soft and comfy. I was told it's used in 4 Seasons Hotel.. :O

Can't wait for the day I get to lie on it. 

Wuuuuuwahhhh.. doubt I will get up from bed.

 HAHAHAHA!

-updates about me-

This restaurant sells Sichuan Cuisine. Located at East Village, Simpang Bedok. Awesome food there.

Just dont order the vegetables.. kinda ex.. But then again everything is so large in portion ♥

My favourite there.. $19 for such a big bowl of fish soup. YUMMY!

Got this Waka Waka bag thats real deep and big in size. $18. PRETTTYYY ♥!

So, my sis ever told me.. girls shouldnt leave house without lipgloss/lipstick.

I've always thought I dont suit them.. somewhat it looks weird on me.. and i hated the fact that when you eat, or maybe its just me.. whatever you applied is just gone.. and you have to do it again. not to mention, its like eating what you applied on your lips as well.

But, I tried the ones I bought and its real pretty!

Eye Mask for Dark Eye Circles + Updates

sleepless nights.. my dark eye circles is so bad im practically a panda now.. been using this:

Kinda a miracle.. I have used 1 box now and stocked up on this.. cause it actually improves my dark eye circles!

They are not so dark now.. hopefully with perseverance and persistance I can get rid of my dark eye circles.. I prefer the Chamomile one because it helps you sleep. But I will try lavender when I get my hands on them.. just ordered another 4 boxes.. hehe..

---------

So some updates on me.. been 1 week since then.. missing those  times.. sigh.. back to reality and work..btw if you see the photos below.. my dark eye circles improved alot okay! 

^ featuring bwibwi and my favourite drink: Katira. 

Aftermath

It's been awhile since I last blogged. 

If you are wondering why.. There is too much on my plate for me to handle. 

My house is in the midst of a new makeover. 

As much as I yearn for the new transformation, a better life ahead of me..

Part of me cant let go.. and that feeling is so strong. Cause I feel like I cant grasp on anything.. Those memories of her.. It is all I ask for..

So a few days back I accompanied my boyfie to the hospital to visit his grandma. 

I was reluctant because I didn't want memories of her in pain flooding back in my mind. I face it everyday but I am still not okay yet to visit the hospital. I went, cause I knew he wanted me to. I almost broke down as I excused myself from the ward. Those images flooded my mind.. I was in pain.. but distracted myself with my mobile. 

I took while waiting for boyfie and his family to be done with visiting. 

Yes, that is how bad of a shape I am in now.

The little weight I tried so hard to put on.. all gone..

I lost my appetite.. ever since shes gone.

Everything's so different now.. 

I know I need to get away.. to relax my mind.. 

I had my hair dyed and steambond.. at Mine's Salon in Far East Plaza. 

considered cheap for waist long hair like mine.. not to mention thick.

It is supposed to be purple but its not obvious in this photo.

 I like how it looks like on me in real though. I think i suit dark colours.

So yesterday I went to the convenience store near my house to grab a drink.

This lady questioned why I so skinny. I told her the truth, but she didn't believe me.

Then don't ask. 

Which person in the right mind would want to be this skinny. 

I was so annoyed cause she was holding on to my cash, not giving my my change for a minute.

Yes, I know its only few minutes but i was in a rush and every minute spent with this kind of person is a waste. She kept on ranting on how I should eat more so I can gain weight cause I'm born pretty.

Thanks for the compliment but if I could gain weight purely by eating I won't be in this shape now. I have been this skinny ever since I was young. My weight stays but I grew tall, during puberty.. which resulted in my current appearance. 

Am thinking of getting the necklace im wearing blessed by a priest or something. So i could replace it with the amulet im wearing right now.

Got myself a MSI laptop, was hard deciding between Razer and MSI. 

Alienware was out cause it was too heavy. 

Love it. Totally. 

Would just be perfect if it could be a little smaller, say 14" and lighter. 2kg+ but feels so heavy.

okay.. so the little memories I thought I should blog.

Bringing MooMoo and MiMi for their wash (again).

Loving how my mobile looks like now with the dreamcatcher. 

Handsome bby before his haircut :p 

 Apple Soju LOVEEEEE!

Last but not least, taken yesterday.  

Bought the hairband or headband on sale few days ago. Its gorgeous. 

Mummy ♥

Just recently, my mummy passed away.

It's too fast too quick for me to handle. 

I was with her at her last moment, 

watching her struggle her every last moment.. in pain..

she never lead a good life.. it hurts me so much, like a knife stabbing my heart.. when I had to watch her go this way.. She didn't even get peace at her last moment, not to mention wake. 

We held it in because we knew the last thing she wanted was us to make a scene. 

She has always kept it in, even when she was bullied. 

I'm so sorry mama.. I couldn't do much.

I'm so sorry, I'm in regrets.

I failed to cherish our short time together. 

I'm such a let down. 

I wasn't able to protect you when you were bullied. 

I am thankful for all you've done for me..

Even when you were in pain, when you were so sick..

Mama, why did you keep it from me..

I wish I could take some pain away from you.

You were such a fearless warrior.. 

No one could have did it the way you did.

I used to hate you,

But not anymore.. 

Mummy, You live in my heart & I love you much.

It'd be a life if I said I don't miss you.

I do, I just keep it in and hold my tears. 

Pretend to be strong.. I try.

I really miss you mummy,

your smiles.. your naggings.. your love.

You'd go the extra mile for me, when I say I miss what you used to cook.

Mummy, I want to eat them for life.

I don't want you to go, 

If I had a choice.. but I hate to see you in pain.. in such agony..

我真的很想见到你，可我知我不行。 

我好想好好的抱抱你，在你的额头上轻轻的吻。

There's still so much I didn't get to fulfill before time got the better of us. 

没有你的日子很空虚，好静。

If only I could just stick to you.. I wish I could just be by your side.

Mummy, 走好。不要担心我。

Chinese Astrology

The year has barely just started, and I mean lunar new year.. or according to chinese calenders.. 

and I don't know if any of you out there believe in the chinese astrology but .. to a certain extent, I find mine quite true this year.. 

Toggle - Dragon 2015

So, according to the this master (whom according to my mum is famous and good).. 

1. wealth prospects are good this year.

2. will meet benefectors in career.

3. can also expect chances of increment and promotion if you are currently working.

4. think twice before investment. ( does not concern me )

5. watch out for backstabbers at work. be modest and humble at work to ensure work goes smoothly.

6.  bring along valuables when you are outdoor to prevent burglary.

7. weak immunity - susceptible to common flu and headache. get sufficient rest.

I have been getting headaches more frequent ever since 初一 of Lunar New Year. 

Why so accurate! I'm really dreadful of headaches and vomiting. It's just plain an awful feeling, especially the panadols.. somewhat makes me feel like vomiting. And I know its harmful to human bodies so I try not to take them but this year looks like it will be hard for me to do so. 

Finally found a job I was hoping to get. Was elated when I received the call from the HR. Fingers crossed that office life will be good. 不要有小人。Not hoping for much but just harmonious office relationships with everyone. teehee. And gotta keep this in my head, 

不要管别人的闲事，做好自己的本分。 

If you are wondering what ^ is.. I have no idea. I woke up to that. 

But currently it seems like that part of my finger is red.. It hurt for the first 2 days though. 

 And this is my latest addiction, KIMCHI. This one is so yummy I swear!!! Different from others I have tasted. Its from Han Geun Doo Geun Korean BBQ Buffet Restaurant ♥

Last but not least, ending my blogpost with a selfie of me with moomoo and mimi~ 

teehee. >///<

I've lost of the number of times I'm writing about this..

I tried telling myself otherwise but failed nevertheless, because one cannot lie to oneself .. when the bits and pieces are evident and right before your eyes.. no?

It's evident that 'she' is bias and shows favoritism towards my other sibling. It hurts me, and is not something someone calls me and tries to tell or disuade me that no, 'she' favors me more instead. 

Because I feel and see otherwise.

I will not go into details about this. Because this isn't a private blog. 

I just can't seem to lie to myself about it, and it hurts.

Don't try telling me that 'she' dotes on me more than you. There are things I choose to keep to myself, that you weren't at scene and you do not observe or know. You are etched in her heart, whenever she does something, she would do it for you too, or for your sake. But not for me.. 

Yes, when I asked her about it 'she' can give me excuses that I can simply rebut but I choose to keep silent. 

Don't come telling me I am unfilial or whatever bullshit. 

Everyone's different and for me, it really hurts too much when I try.. again and again.. but gets hurt every single time. I don't see the need to anymore, when my care and concern does not gets appreciated, but of all, trashed and yelled at. 

I know I shouldn't write about this in my blog, because it isn't a personal space, I used to write in diaries, but later on discovered 'she' reads it without my permission. I have no one else I feel I can talk to, with regards to this.. that's why I'm writing it here. 

-trying to calm my inner self with daimoku-

Sometimes, I really don't understand how I repeatedly choose to care when I know every single time that im just hurting myself in the end.. 

为什么我明知道答案，还是一次又一次选择伤害自己的心。

sleeveless dilemma

First of all, Happy CNY to everyone out there reading my blog. ^_^ 
在这里先祝贺大家在新的一年里 - 羊年行大运，洋洋得意，财源广进，身体安康。

Nope, no ootds of my CNY outfits cause I don't feel like it. TBH, I pretty much hate taking full body photos, cause I look terrible in them.. 

Just shoot a lamp post, there you have it.

Recently, I feel helpless. Because I'm severely underweight, which meant that I'm freaking skinny.. I don't look good in sleeveless clothes, which are everywhere now. I can hardly find suitable clothes, say for work or smart casual.. cause they are 90% all sleeveless designs out there. 

So, I tried getting sleeveless overall.. and I thought apart from my skinny arms and legs.. I look good in it. Look, there is nothing I can do about my size. 

But, I'm hurt because every single time I held my hopes up and asked my mum if I looked okay in it.. since I don't have confidence when I wear anything sleeveless.. she'd tell me the same thing.

That broke me into pieces.

'I don't understand why you buy/wear sleeveless when you know you don't look good in it. You are so skinny and yet you are just showing off your arms even more, just like what your aunt said.. you look terrible in sleeveless or shorts.' 

Why don't she just choose not to give birth to me in the first place. why. Then, she don't have to go through all the pains, burden and trouble that my existence has brought. 

Its not like I want to be this skinny. I'm trying hard to bring back my confidence. Telling myself its okay, its not like im anorexic or something, there is nothing for me to hide. It felt like I've commited an offence if I wore something sleeveless or short. 

I just like to wear comfy clothes.. and it's quite a common sight in Singapore. No?

But she made me feel like I'm nothing but shame or I should just be hidden somewhere.. like 我见不得人。 

I'm well aware that other moms would've said, 

"sweetie, you look good in it. be confident in yourself."

or

"sweetie. you look good in it, just throw in a cardigan. It'll be better."

真希望我能快点离开人世。

Missing Marco more than ever. 为什么不带我一起走？

dream room.

Hmm.. If there's really a something I want, 

A wish I hope would be fulfilled..

This is it.

I really really want a room like hers.. :(

I love her room 10/10. 

Princess-y, sweet yet simple, neat and organised!

Perfect, maybe 11/10 if I have it with my moomoos on the bed. xD!

Oh, and no dolls. gosh!

Axent Wear

http://igg.me/at/AxentWear/x

omo omo omo! look what I found!

Freaking cool 'cat ears' headphone! 

The 'ears' are actually speakers!

Fund their project ~ $150 usd for 1 headphone (colour of your choice)

Of course, the $2K and $10k usd are limited edition custom painted ones. FREAKING COOL!

But, i can only ogle at it. :<

*picture credits to original owners above.

Life Goals

So, I suddenly realise I never had any life goals.. well.. just stuff I'd really hope to be able to fulfill. 

- visit a strawberry farm & pick some.

- visit Korea, Japan & Paris. 

- Have a twin. (i know this is impossible already. just saying)

- own own house and car

- rear a kitten and puppy together.

Thats it so far. Pretty simple, nothing to far-fetched. 

And a photo of GD.. cause hes almost perfect. 

Family // Happy Family

http://www.drama.net/m1/roommate-season-2-episode-13/part3

I have been watching Roommate.. Since Season 1.. 

And I thought this part is real touching I should share.

Of cause, I teared.

Many things are beyond our control.

Sometimes, it is not that we didn't work hard enough or try hard enough..

perhaps, it is just not the right time.. or you are not fated with.

Like many others, I yearn for a happy family. 

I know I should be glad that my family is still here and alive at present..

But I'm only human.. and, there's a difference between family, and happy family.

All I want is a simple life, an average life.

But things seem so bleak for me. 

I just got to try harder.

It ain't easy.. But I can't give up..

Until I work out a path. 

let it go..

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, Let it go

Turn my back and slam the door

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I'm the queen

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside

Couldn't keep it in

Heaven knows I tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see

Be the good girl you always had to be

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know

Well now they know

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go

Turn my back and slam the door

And here I stand

And here I'll stay

Let it go, let it go

The cold never bothered me anyway

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all

Up here in the cold thin air I finally can breathe

I know I left a life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve

Let it go, Let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, Let it go,

Turn my back and slam the door

And here I stand

And here I'll stay

Let it go, let it go

The cold never bothered me anyway

Standing - frozen in the life I've chosen

You won't find me, the past is so behind me

Buried in the snow

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go,

Turn my back and slam the door

And here I stand

And here I'll stay

Let it go, let it go

The cold never bothered me anyway...

(let the music go on)

let it go, let it go

Let it go, let it go

Credits: MetroLyrics 

------

highlighted in bold the parts I felt related to me..

maybe.. I'll just have to find that mountain, that castle.. 

isolate from the rest.

too much's going on I doubt 2015's going to be any better.

Nothing is going smooth until now.