swollen eyes.
couldnt stop crying earlier on.
-why?-
Out of care and concern, I told my mum 'you still dare to say you eat seafood, you are not supposed to eat seafood and chilli' .. she said she can. So I argued back that my sister said she could not.. but she lied that she could. She always say 'a little bit is fine'.. but she never heeds or follows the limit of little!!!!! If I could get it across by talking to her politely, I wouldn't need to say her.
And note, I was just saying her.. Not scolding her or being rude. Doesn't really work even though I tell her off but at least she stops taking more. So my aunt accuses me of being rude.. and added that I should not be rude to my elders no matter what.
I could not control my tears and I started crying.. I tried holding back but no use, I still kept crying.
Usually the reason I cry, in a situation like this is because I feeling misunderstood, wronged or whatsoever. Never because I did the wrong thing. But I always just keep quiet. I don't see a point in explaining myself.
I am so disappointed, AGAIN, at my mum because after my aunt said I was rude, she said, yes she is.
So here I am ranting out to my blog.. right..
Sorry Sis, I am not going to watch mum over what she eats anymore. I can't be with her 24/7. No one can, unless say you tie her up etc.. but then again, we'd be so "unfillial". Just saying.
If she don't take care of her own diet, controls her temptation for what she should not be eating, no one can help her.
This isn't the first time I'm accused of being rude or unfillial and I'm done with it. I used to think that I kept to myself to the extreme I should perhaps voice or express myself. Cause I always get misunderstood by my family. Yes, when people say family are the ones who should understand you best. I'm the one that always gets stabbed instead. That is how I feel. I will not hide this or keep this to myself anymore. I am done with this.
I kept crying even until I reached home.
On the way back, in the car, dad asked why I was crying and mum told him what happened.
She said my aunt was just 'teaching' me not to be rude.
To my surprise, my dad whom is always busy with work or his birds, whom I never talked to about stuffs understands me so well.. Even better than my mum.. who apparently doesn't seem to care about me. When I say care, I mean with her heart. When I tell her whatever happens to me, like I'm suicidal, I have depression and stuff..
1. she never remembers. she always say "you told me?"
2. There is NEVER any response or action made.
E.g. she never asked, are you okay? do you want me to bring you to a doctor? or something like that. never.
It's like I don't seem to hold a place in her heart.
Dad told mum off.. and said it was because he didn't know what actually happened thats why he kept quiet. If he had known I was told off by my aunt just because i CARED for my mum, he would have taken action instead. Mum was insistent that I was in the fault. But dad said this, You know your daughter says what she thinks.. if she hadn't cared or voiced out, there isn't a need for a daughter like this. But she got told off just because she cared for you, and it is because of your own fault that you cannot control your own mouth, and yet you are still saying she's wrong, let me ask you this..
do you want a daughter that only sweet talks or doesn't care about your life or death.. whats the point? When you want to punish her or say she's wrong in something, you have to know the reason why she did it first.
To be honest, sometimes I can't convince myself that my mum understands me.. She doesn't. I am constantly being misunderstood.. this isn't the first time.
I just have to let it go. I will not bother if people say I am self centered. It is up to them how they think. But its up to me how I live my life. I am done with all these crap. I don't know how many times I went through this. Being misunderstood by your family is an awful and terrible feeling no one wants to go through. I slitted my wrist once and was mentally still "awake" enough so I didn't slit deep enough.
I am not going to bother anymore. My care and concern never seems to be appreciated. I get the opposite instead. I'm someone simple. It is not about getting back the effort you put in, but at the very least.. I ask to be appreciated. Not reprimanded at or misunderstood.
If I could have done it by talking nicely I wouldn't have gone to the extent I needed to say her. No one will understand what I am going through, perhaps only my dad. Living in this house..the state of the house is U N I M A G I N A B L E. And yes, we are both going crazy, soon enough.
Okay, I guess I'll just stop here. Don't wanna continue ranting in details.
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